handing off the torch

My mom came in to take my spot in helping Gam recover. We both agree that Gam needs someone to assist her in her everyday activities. She can no longer drive, shop, clean - let alone walk on her own. Yet she is insistant that she can. My mom got a little fed up with her poor attitude and said fine - then let's see how you do for 24 hours. It definitely confirmed she needs help. Gam thinks though that Denise, her oldest child, will take care of her. Last time Gam visited the Big Island and she and Keoki went to visit Denise - she didn't even let Gam into the house to use the bathroom. And to think - Gam doles out endless amounts of cash to her to sustain her lifestyle and she won't even let her in the house? How can Gam think that Denise will take care of her?

Shannon said she felt up to the task to take care of Gam. Mom's going to come home for a week and then return to see how things are going. What really needs to be done is she needs to go into a home. She's been a bear to mom - resisting any sort of change whatsoever. My mom is having a difficult time with her - but what else is new? We'll see what pans out in the next couple of days. Yikes - I'm glad I was able to escape before the shit really hit the fan.

Uh oh

So apparently my brother is really pissed at me for some reason. I know I might have been harsh on him - and I did not mean to intentionally hurt his feelings. But for some reason he pushed my buttons and I reacted.

It's funny how in retrospect to growing up when I was over weight and dealing with my own health issues, he would ridicule me. He'd poke fun at my weight - say some hurtful things and really damage some of my self esteem. Now that the tables have turned and I am able to do the same thing back to him he got really upset. I think that might be typical of a bully. Always poking fun at other people and making jokes at their expense - yet when the table is turned they suddenly are faced with their self esteem issues and end up getting more upset. I stood up for myself and expressed to George that I didn't think he should eat 3 manapuas a day. Is that a crime? I don't think so. He was mad enough at me to threaten physical harm. I know he probably was just joking - but whatever. I can't help but ponder this whole situation. What really set him off? Was it something I said - or is it something he's personally struggling with? I already called and left him one message today - if he's too chicken to call me back then that's his own dilemma. Ainokea.

I called and talked to Gam earlier. It sounded like she was having an better day. She did her exercises this morning and was waiting for the physical therapist - who told us he wouldn't be back until Tuesday next week. Good thing I called - they would have waited around all day for him and then ripped him up when they see him on Tuesday.

I also talked to Mom - which is the reason I know George is sooo pissed. She said she didn't want to get into the middle of it and hopes we have a chance to talk. I do too - but if he doesn't call me back then sounds like it's all on him. UGH!!! This is aggrevating! Why does this always happen? Unnecessary drama seems to find its way into my life at strange times.

Last day

Today was filled with gathering things - both memories and Hawaiian goods - during my last day in the islands. I really had a good time while here. Although parts of it were stressful - most of it was great spending time with Gam. She really is such an amazing woman - and I hope I am that lucky to live such a full life as she has. I hope she lives another 20 years! She is so strong - and sweet.

I visited my ancestors graves today. I have been riding past the cemetary every day - up Nu'unau drive. Today I decided it best to pull over and pay my respects to my ancestory. I actually got pretty emotional and welled up with tears as I sat there in full Gregg's gear. I noticed that the majority of them lived long lives - in the upper 80's to 90s. Amazing. I wanted to leave something out of respect - but didn't have any flowers or anything to leave. Maybe next time.

I forget if I mentioned this in a previous post - but I asked Gam where she would want her remains to go. She said everytime she started to think about it she would just get distracted and not complete her thoughts. She used to think she would be buried on the farm that she grew up on in Ontario. But then that changed. So I'm not sure where she will want to go.

Another thing I want to post before I forget - one night we had a crazy thunderstorm. She said when she was a girl she used to be so scared of thunder. Anytime she heard it she would beat feat home. There were some neighbors of hers that were working in the fields when a storm came through. They were on top of a pile of hay with pitch forks and got struck by lightening - it even got their horse who was tied into their wagon. Ever since then she still remembers being frightened as a little girl and running for home to hide in her bed.

We went to Ala Moana today - twice. Once in the morning which instantly lifted Gam's spirits despite it being cloudy. It was super chilly and damp at Nuuanu so a trip out of the house is just what the doctor ordered. Then we came home, had some lunch and then I went on one final ride out to Hawaii Kai. Once I got home Gam asked to go to the beach again - to which I was game. We headed down right before the thick of traffic. We sat on the beach for 2.5 hours and chatted about this and that. She thinks she might ask Denise to take care of her. She feels like she doesn't have anywhere else to go. All of her friends have either moved away or died. We talked about the different options - including different homes. She realizes that something is going to have to change.

She thanked me for helping her - it makes me smile thinking of the sweet way she said it. "You must love me more," she stated matter of factly. I told her that if she could she would do the exact same thing for me. We both giggled.

I'm sad to leave her - I would love to come back after the race season - say in October to visit her again. Her eyes lit up when I said that. :)

Fussy!

Gam woke up a little fussy this morning. She said she got up and took about 4 steps and then fell face forward - luckily into a pile of paper. Good thing - she could easily have broken her hip. She claims it's from the exercising - too much too soon. But really it's just that she's getting older and things aren't functioning the way they used to.

During breakfast she and George were at each others throats. It probably doesn't help that I was venting to her about him - perhaps fueling her fire for refusing to have her house altered in any way to accomodate her handicap. George wants to put up a railing on the side of the house so she has something to grab onto. She says she doesn't want it because she just slides down the side of the house or holds onto the laundry string. One wrong move - regardless if a banister is up or not - and she could fall and seriously injure herself. I think she scared herself for a second there.

I talked with Keoki this morning - it's been a couple of days since he called. He was hoping that Gam was doing better... which she is but not completely. We told him about her falling - and it brought the sobering reality that something needs to be done for Gam longterm. Mom comes in two days from now - and will hopefully establish something in the week that she's here. It'll be hard to get Gam out of the house - good luck on that one mom. I hope she can come up with a viable solution and still save her relationship with Gam!

I was able to spend some great time with Kuulei, Channing, Chalei and Kaipo this trip. It was fun hanging out with them - catching up and just enjoying each other's company. I wish the best for them despite their constant struggles and the funny way that life gets in the way sometimes. Kaipo's been acting up - pulling the 15 year old I don't care attitude .... hopefully he'll snap out of it before he does something permanent to himself or his family that loves him so.

Only two more days of cyling - I think I'll try to make it out to Makapu again tomorrow morning. It's such a nice long ride and beautiful scenery. Today I'm tackling some hill repeats on the Pali. I should go and work on my tan - but let's face it - I'm a whitey. :)

morning ride

I woke up this morning to beautiful blue skies. I love getting up and going into the kitchen to have my morning chat with Gam. We talk about this and that - mainly life in general. She's so sweet - and I'm truly thankful to be able to spend such great time with her. We get along really well and think alike.

I pedaled down to Hawaii Kai area and sat on the beach for about 10 minutes before turning back toward home. It sure was pleasant - with the ocean breeze and how quiet it was. I'm getting used to the riding over here - that's for sure. I think this afternoon we're headed to the water to do some jet skiing.

Thunder showers

I woke up this morning to loud clasps of thunder and rain. It's been pouring all morning - and somewhat chilly too! A good day for a rest - yesterday I pushed it with cycling out to Makapu. Besides - even if I wanted to get out today I'd probably get washed down to the ocean. :)

Gam's doing better - each day she gains strength. George is driving me nuts. He finally left to go get a gut bomb - to keep his girlish figure going. That guy is going to kill himself if he doesn't do a serious lifestyle change. I love him but geeez louise!

Only 4 more days and then I get to go home. The punkess leaves on Tuesday. I can't wait to see my mom again!

update

Each day Gam seems to be getting stronger. Not only physically but mentally as well. She will still need some long term companionship/care taker to come and be with her - there are some things she just needs some help with. Maybe they could set someone up to come and check on her part time. I don't think she needs 100% care - although we still have to see how she recovers from the stroke. But she's doing much much better.

We spent the morning chit chatting about cycling and health. She's so sweet and truly interested in what I do. I love her so much.

March 16

Yesterday was much better - Gam is improving! The phyical thearpist came yesterday and lifted her spirits emensely. She is now working on strengthening her core and retraining her brain to feel what it's like to walk straight. I'm surprized she didn't have physical therapy before to try and fix her right side.

I'm getting homesick.

March 15, 2006

I think the hardest thing for Gam is taking the independence she’s had all her life and then changing it. For her, any alteration of the way her house is means giving up. She will not listen to reason or accept that we are trying so hard to help her so she can physically have the same quality of life as she had before.

Last night Gam didn’t sleep but maybe a half hour at a time. She tossed and turned. I woke up later than usual this morning to find her eating an egg and toast for breakfast. She’s convinced she can be completely independent as she was before. I tried to tell her that she needs to watch her diet – low fat and sodium. Later that morning Keoki called and we talked a little. Apparently she called him this morning telling him she felt frisky. I mentioned that she fell the night before and started bleeding. She didn’t call me to let me know she fell – I just discovered she was bleeding when I checked on her in the bedroom. It was pretty scary. When I tried to bandage her up – she nearly refused my help and said she could take care of herself.

The morning took a turn for the worse when Keoki called her and then they argued. She in turn directed her anger toward me – asking why I told him she fell and if I had also told him I went on a bicycle ride. She’s still pissed at me. I know it’s nothing personal – she’s just having a difficult time with mentally excepting what happened.

George showed up today – and while I was picking him up I honestly felt guilty for being away from her for too long. TTYL

March 14, 2006
Day Three –

Gam was released from the hospital yesterday. She was so excited to get out of the hospital – but we had to wait until they delivered a wheel chair. Originally it was supposed to be a walker but then Keoki called and said that he’d rather have insurance cover the more expensive item then the walker. We ended up waiting about 3 hours in the hospital before it came. No big deal though… it’s been raining in Nu’uanu and with no sign of it stopping.

After circling several times for a parking spot at Long’s, we parked and Gam refused to be wheeled into the store, so I went in alone and dropped off her meds. We came home and had dinner – she was pretty cheerful.

Then this morning we woke up pretty early and had some joe the rain started. I was hell bent on getting some exercise since I only got an hour the day before. I was gone for about 3 hours and unfortunately missed seeing the physical therapist. I pulled up to the house just as Kui showed back up. Gam was still in her nightie when I came home – and she looked a little hungry. We fixed lunch and then did some errands – down to Long’s to pick up more medicine and then drop off the utility bills. I also had to stop for an hour to do some laundry – including Gam’s panties because of the inconstenance issue. Turns out it’s her medication that’s making her shishi more than normal.

Once we got home she had another little accident and then hopped in the bath without telling me. She really wants to be able to do everything she used to do – without help. I was in the kitchen getting dinner started – and periodically came and checked up on her. That’s when I found her bleeding in the bedroom. She said her leg just gave out from under her. She cut the side of her leg pretty good – and has several bruises on her legs. She was refusing my help to bandage her leg up – but realistically she can’t do it on her own. Maybe I should let her do more by herself – but realistically she’s not able to yet. I told her tonight that she should take advantage of the help while she has me. This is painful.

Poor thing. She’s getting down too on account of the rain in Nu’uanu. I would love to take Gam to the beach – but it’s raining there too!

I thought things were going to start getting better – but tonight they seemed to plummet. She gets down and then frustrated that she doesn’t have energy. Maybe that’s my fault because she was unable to rest after the therapist came this morning. It’s getting sad. I’m really glad George is coming tomorrow. Hopefully that will cheer her up and renew her spirits.

March 16

Today has been MUCH better. Although we struggled this morning - with No. 2 issues and getting Gam clean. She has a really hard time in the bathroom - I'll just leave it at that.

We headed to the doctor this morning for a check up and the doctor suggested senior living. Gam protests - but honestly, she needs it. I'm getting worn out. This is getting really hard emotionally and I'm starting to wear down. Thank goodness George came.

The phsyical thearpist came and lifted her spirits. He had her try to strengthen her core to get her to relearn how to walk again. After an hour with him she's chipper as can be and independent - doesn't want to use a walker or anything. He told her not to scrunch over - expand her chest. It's good enough to give her confidence that she refuses George's installation of grab bars on the side of the house.

I'm torn - I'm trying so hard to be supportive and assist her but she's fighting it tooth and nail. I miss home and am definitely ready to go. But I know Gam needs some more care - until I can swap duties with Mom. Only 6 more days to go.

March 15, 2006

I think the hardest thing for Gam is taking the independence she’s had all her life and then changing it. For her, any alteration of the way her house is means giving up. She will not listen to reason or accept that we are trying so hard to help her so she can physically have the same quality of life as she had before.

Last night Gam didn’t sleep but maybe a half hour at a time. She tossed and turned. I woke up later than usual this morning to find her eating an egg and toast for breakfast. She’s convinced she can be completely independent as she was before. I tried to tell her that she needs to watch her diet – low fat and sodium. Later that morning Keoki called and we talked a little. Apparently she called him this morning telling him she felt frisky. I mentioned that she fell the night before and started bleeding. She didn’t call me to let me know she fell – I just discovered she was bleeding when I checked on her in the bedroom. It was pretty scary. When I tried to bandage her up – she nearly refused my help and said she could take care of herself.

The morning took a turn for the worse when Keoki called her and then they argued. She in turn directed her anger toward me – asking why I told him she fell and if I had also told him I went on a bicycle ride. She’s still pissed at me. I know it’s nothing personal – she’s just having a difficult time with mentally excepting what happened.

George showed up today – and while I was picking him up I honestly felt guilty for being away from her for too long. TTYL

Start of Day 3

Right before I went to bed last night I found a HUGE cockaroach in the bathroom. It gives me the shivers just thinking about it. I was going to use my slippa to kill it but then thought twice about how resilant those little suckers are and grabbed my running shoe. I had to hit it twice before the big crunch and no more movement came out of the poor creature. Willies!!!

And then at about 2 am I woke up to crazy wind gusts shaking the house and making all of the windows rattle. I got up to use the bathroom and immediately thought of the cockaroach... could it come up from the deepths of the toilet? Those things creep me out!

I headed down the Pali to find coffee and a connection - it took nearly 40 minutes to make it 5 miles. Crazy how populated this area is! Just a reminder not to go anywhere in the middle of traffic let alone ride my bike during those hours. That's just begging to be hit. Ok - more later.

Day 2

March 12, 2006

After a restless night’s sleep I woke up this morning to the tropical birds chirping away. It took me a minute to catch my bearings – and sometime in the middle of the night I felt some strange objects in the bed. This morning I pulled out a necklace, bobby pin and dental floss – all tucked under the pillow for safekeeping. I smiled to myself – that Gammy.

I was bound and determined to find an Internet connection this morning and after speaking with Ryan found a couple of spots from his navigation in Washington – which turned into a bust for me. I couldn’t find either spot and when I finally did it of course was closed. So rather than circle around any longer I pulled into reliable Starbucks for a cup of joe and a connection.

Around 9 I headed to the hospital to visit with Gam and see how she was doing. She was delighted to have some company seeing as the nurses aren’t interested in keeping her company and entertaining her. The doctor came in while I was there and explained the test results from Friday. The first of which confirmed she did have a stroke – evidenced by her slurred speech and lack of mobility. While doing the MRI they also found evidence of a brain aneurysm – potentially an older one that was about the size of a pea. The danger with aneurysms is that they could grow and then burst – causing massive bleeding in the brain and death. He asked Gam if she would want to undergo surgery or if she wanted to continue living her life as is. The surgery is risky – in that they would have to cut into her scull and remove the aneurysm. This could be successful but if not then it could potentially leave her as a vegetable. She opted to just continue living her life as it is and if it’s her time to go – then it’s her time. “I’m not afraid of dying.”

We then received a series of calls from Keoki wondering how she’s doing and making sure things were all right. At first the doctor said she would probably have to go to a rehabilitation center for a couple of weeks so she can work on getting her strength back and helping her be less dependent on another being. I talked with Keoki about this and said her house would need some help – perhaps a widening of the doorways and installing a ramp to the front door. Stairs are pretty sketchy at this point. He explored the possibility of having Shannon come take care of her – why not pay a family member instead of some stranger – but I also reminded him of the baby and that he could get under Gam’s feet and make her fall. Speaking of which – she is not aware that Gam is in the hospital at all. She hasn’t called or made an effort to speak with her. We’ll see if she turns up.

Also Kuulei said she would come and visit Gam today and didn’t call or show up. Strange. I thought of all the family members Kui would be reliable and participate in Gam’s rehab. It’s funny how when someone needs help he or she is quick to ask for it but when it comes time to reciprocate – they disappear. I’m sure she got busy today – but who knows. You’d think she’d call.

I left right around noon to get some much-needed exercise for the day and pedaled down to Diamond Head. It felt really really good to get the heart pounding. I don’t mind hanging out with Gam during the day so long as I get a healthy dose of physical activity. Without it – I’ll go stir crazy. Should Gam be released to come home – I need to make sure they assign a caseworker to come over and relieve me of my duties for 4 hours a day…or I will burn out. Mom told me to be firm with the doctors if need be and make sure they assign someone to come. We shall see what tomorrow holds when the doctor and the caseworker get together and hash out a program.

In the meantime – my hair is not getting any calmer. This humidity is wrecking havoc on my mop and never before have I had such a mop of helmet hair on my head. I wish I could move my scalp back and forth like some people can and show off my talents. Oh well – maybe I’ll work on that tomorrow.

Oahu

March 13, 2006
I flew into the islands this morning after a two hour delayed departure due to the flight crew coming in late last night. For the first time I didn’t have weeks or months of anticipation for getting here – suddenly I found myself with a few hours to make sure I had everything together and then I found myself Honolulu bound to be with my grandmother.

My cousin Kuulei and her daughter Chalei came to the airport to pick me up and Chalei and I squeezed into the front seat seeing as my bike box wouldn’t fit into the trunk. I under-estimated the sheer size of the beast – which pales in comparison to some of my fellow teammates boxes. We made it safe and sound and Kui had to head to work at Winward mall this evening. She left me with Gam’s keys and instruction on how to get there…. Just down the street from the Pali. I jumped in the car immediately not wanting to wait another minute before going to visit Gam.

The moment I walked into her hospital room I was releaved. There she was – still the same Gammy as I left her but this time adorning hospital garb. Her hair was neat and shiny as usual and her spunk still with lots of kick in it. The differences were her speech. She slurs her words now and is extremely weak to walk. Her right hip has been an issue for many years now and as a result makes her leg off kilter and her foot looks like it was crunched under a ATV, as it was about 20 years ago and never fixed. She’s frail – but I was prepared for that. And she is so ready to get out of that hospital… she insisted that the doctor told her she could go as soon as I showed up. I was ready to take but after conversing with the nurse, Gam was in no shape to leave. She has to wait till Monday to come home. And even so, bringing her home will mean a full time care position. I am happy to do it – but I had no idea that’s what would be required of me. I talked to Mom a little bit about it and it seems like both she and Keoki are ready to look into full time care for Gam… both are out of the country for a couple of weeks.